Sup

Hi. So... My dad put parental controls on my computer again... I won't be able to blog that often ): I've got to use the guest account just to blog so yeah. (See what I do for my blog?) Anyway... Life's been, swell? Exams are over, I got promoted to Sec Two, hooray! Summer's here and my English course starts tomorrow... Heading to Singapore on July 15th and coming back on August 15th. Gonna go for a cruise with momsie and visit my relatives in M'sia! MBF (No I'm not telling you who he is) is coming back from his holidays soon yay :) Can't wait to go back to Singapore to see Su Hyun, all my neighbours, see my dear MCS & YCK friends :') Especially that sei chun (secret lalala) haha okaaaaay that's like, my Summer plans?
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2 days ago... My beloved uncle... Left us. He's gone to stay with God and I'm happy that he's in safe hands. I wasn't very close to him but he has helped my mom and I in many ways. Knowing that he's suddenly gone... I haven't seen him since CNY and I can't even attend the funeral. Nonetheless, people are bound to leave someday and if God thought that it was time for him to leave then... I'm glad. :)
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I've been thinking a lot lately. I don't want to hold on anymore because, it feels pointless to. I honestly don't want to go through the same thing all over again, man, I'm tired and I'm sick of all that drama. I guess I keep telling myself that it's going to pay off in the future, but what if it doesn't? Then doesn't that mean that I've been wasting my time? I know what it's like to hold on to something that'll never be yours and... I don't want to do that again. It's ridiuclous.
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"It's like once you get hurt, you build these walls around you that you think will keep you from getting hurt again. You won't let anyone past them. You pass up good people and good opportunities because you're reminded of what happened to you in the past. But you're not the only hurting. You're hurting others, because they don't understand why they can't be part of your life. Just remember that one day you're going to have to get the strength to let these walls down if you ever want to be truly happy again."

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My walls were built pretty goddamn high. Then, I lowered it, just a tad. Let someone new in, thinking that, hey, why not? Then... everything tumbles down on me again. Now, my walls are higher, stronger and behind those walls, stands a little fragile girl who's just afraid of letting history repeat itself.
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"Yes, I'm scared, yes I'm jealous, I'm scared that you think she's pretty, I'm scared that you find her more interesting, I'm scared that you think she's so much better than me, I'm scared that you're gonna leave me soon. And yes, I'm jealous that she gets to see you, I'm jealous that you talked to her, I'm jealous that you had fun with her. I'm scared... I'm jealous. But that's only because you mean a lot to me. I'm scared that I'll lose you. I'm so scared that I won't matter as much to you. I'm so scared that we just won't be the same again. I'm so scared that everything's gonna change. So promise me. Promise me you won't leave. Because when I'm talking to you, you're the only person that exists in my world."

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I'm insecure, over sensitive, but what can I do about it? I'll pretend that I'm happy for you two, I'll pretend that I'm fine with it but lol, honestly, I'm not.

"But she said she's happy for me."

"Of course she's gonna say she's happy for you and fake a smile, but look deep into those eyes, you broke her."

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I've got this mindset that, the best memories in life can never be replaced unless better ones are created. The best memories I've ever had are still lingering in my mind, I can't stop thinking about it, I don't know why. Sometimes I go all selfish and ask myself why I even bother helping them, why do I even care, it's not like it'll benefit me. Ugh this is so frustrating. If I never met you, if I never bothered talking to you, none of this would've happened. Why do I keep bringing things upon myself wtf. .... Then again, you've given me countless of happy memories, many devastating ones too of course, so I guess I'm happy that I got to know you.
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We all think that we're not good enough for somebody. I mean, I can never picture someone, looking at their phone and smiling, thinking about me, wishing that I could be theirs. Lol, that thought is absurb. It'd be nice to be someone's top priority wouldn't it? To be the first person that comes to mind when someone wakes up, to be the person who someone daydreams about all day, to be the first person that someone wants to talk to, the only person someone wants to talk to all day everyday. You'd feel so special, so appreciated, so... loved.
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"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

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I promised I'd never leave. But yet I feel that if I don't try to distance myself, I'll never get over it. You've given me a reason to hold on but yet... How can I be sure that I'll appear in your future? Right now she's the one that you want and... I don't know. I feel like I ought to give up but for some reason, I just can't.

"I want to forget him. Like, right now, but I can't."

"There's really no shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don't anymore."

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Bye and have a great Summer! ;) x